A Gray Day

It is raining here. It hardly ever rains, so I am thankful. But it really doesn’t do anything for my mood. I have the Full-Time Working Mommy Blues hardcore today. The kind where you try to reason quitting your job spontaneously. I can’t even discuss it with the husband, because he is out of the country on a business trip. He knows I am trying to make a change, but we agreed that I would not make any rash decisions until we discussed our finances and how it would affect our quality of life. That is what is so difficult about this. I’m not going to trade one job for another, I am looking to completely change the way I work, and likely take a huge pay cut. 

I imagine a lot of mommies have worn these shoes. How to quit the daily grind so they can be more available to their children. I don’t want to quit working completely; I am afraid that would that would make future reentry into the workforce impossible. But I do want something part-time, contract, flexible. It does fit my dream job, though. I have always wanted to be a writer. Well, I am a writer. I have been paid for my writing, just not quite enough to live on it. So I have a goal. But I also have time constraints. Those have been set by a hungry 3-month old. So I have to compartmentalize that dream of waking up and making coffee and lazily staring out the window from my home office as I contemplate the words I will weave for the day. Yes, I’ll tuck that away and focus on something substantial and something that allows me to feed my baby girl at will and do puzzles with my big boy on a whim. 

Today as I pumped the first round of milk in the dirty bathroom at work, I contemplated marching into my boss’s office and tearfully explaining my situation and  begging for help. Or at least some leniency. But when I got back to my desk, there was an email from him about meeting later today to discuss ‘issues that affect all of us’. So I think I’m going to wait until after I hear that. It probably won’t change my situation, but it might give me the courage to discuss it with him. Or anger. Same difference at this point. But then perhaps I could discuss doing contract work to transition me out of the office. It’s a long shot, but all he can say is no. 

Meanwhile my parents keep hoping and praying that they will just lay me off so I can collect unemployment until I find something. Although that sounds ideal in the short term, it probably is not ideal for my future employment. Squishy Bug and Panda won’t be babies forever, and one day I could revisit this occupation. It is unlikely, but we don’t know who we will be in the future, so it is always best not to burn bridges. I think that is difficult to wrap your brain around when you are a desperate mommy that just wants to get home to her babies as quickly as possible. But I am taking deep breathes and slowly making a plan. Nothing worth having ever happens over night. 

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